I'm not even sure how to write this, just by thinking about what I went through this past month, I don't want anyone to ever experience this pain. I was exhausted, not from the surgery but emotionally.
The first month was the toughest. I didn't know how to handle this type of news that will forever change my life. I was born a Christian and I always believed in Jesus but I'll be honest these past couple of years, I was struggling with my faith. I lost track and I was neglecting God. He was always in the back of my mind but I didn't want to turn to him anymore and I think it has do a lot with my relationship with my family. We fell apart and that really broke me and instead of turning to him, I ignored him for a very long time.
I started to pray to him again after I found out what my diagnosis are, my family were constantly praying for me as well. I kept telling everyone that he will heal me because he is our God and everything is possible with him. He is good and he will heal me. I kept convincing myself with that to keep me put together, not just for me but for my family. Although, I felt so heavy. I wasn't really believing what I prayed for.
When I got back home from the hospital, that's when it hit me. This is reality and I have to go through this. I can't even write this without tears running down my face. There was a night that I had to be honest with God of what I was really feeling, I cried and cried and cried and I just kept crying... I was mad at him truth be told. I was so sad but I was mostly angry at him. I questioned him "I dont deserve this, why are you doing this to me? why me? why are you putting my loved ones through this? why me of all people?" I left it at that...
After a few days, I was just in pain from surgery and emotionally. I was just angry. I tried to be positive for my loved ones but I was hurting inside. I also thought of suiciding, maybe overdose on those pills that they prescribed me or maybe get a rope so I can hang myself since I have a 2-storey house and it would be really easy. There were just negative thoughts running through my mind and it gotten so bad.
Then my mom kept sending me bible versus through texts. She's constantly praying for me. She told me to read the bible or I can always just sing (im not really a bible reader nor a singer) so that night, I decided to listen to gospel songs. That time, 2 of my best friends were here from Montreal. They also came to my room and we all listened. There were crying but it was nice, I felt really at peace when I started to listen to the words of God.
The next day, unfortunately my best friends had to leave. This time, I was really alone. Everyone had to go back to their normal lives. It's not really a bad thing because this time, I really had time to think straight and I had time to reflect if I want cancer to define me or I will fight this. So I decided to talk to God again, this time I'm not angry, this time I needed him. I turned to him and ask him to take all my worries because it's a lot to carry. I can't do this by myself. I needed him to walk with me and hold me every step of the way. I surrender everything to him that night. I am not scared to die, I'm scared for the people that I will be leaving. I can't imagine what my loved ones will go through. I decided to give him everything and I lay it all down to him.
I am still work in progress, I am constantly praying and asking him to give me strength everyday. I am taking this day by day and I know he is here with me...
Thank you so much Micah for finally opening up through your blog. I have read each and every word you've written and I totally understand how you felt and think about the Lord. As much as we (your friends and love ones) understand what you are going through, I also strongly believe that He (God) understands it WAY BETTER and I He is also hurting for you. What strikes me the most is that how you had taken the leap from being mad at Him to entrusting your situation to Him (now, that is what I call a 180 degrees turn about). We don't know what is ahead but one thing we know is that we know WHO is ahead of us.Keep looking unto Jesus, the author and the perfecter of your faith..we are always with you guys all the way..keep on posting..
ReplyDeleteMichah, Michah what joy you have brought to my heart just now ! I can't remember if I was ever smaller than you in my life haha, but it was always obvious to me that your height never matched the confidence and joy that you brought at Snowdon. I was often found awestruck as a young child by that smile you always wore. Years have passed and the last conversation I remember having with you was on a Friday night at church before you left for LA. I only wished I could have shared what had truly become important in my life. From the age of 15 onward, I radically left the comfort of being a reserved, law-abiding Christian boy. We would have probably crossed paths on St-Laurent street a few years later and there would have been nothing "christian" about me. Much can be said about those episodes about my life, but I want to transport you to what could have been the finale ... By the end of sec 4, I was enslaved to a dark depression which led my mind to think about death repeatedly, a bit like what you felt. There was a constant feud in my mind over what my existence on earth meant, and why I should even consider one more day. It was in that period of my life that I started wrestling with God like never before. I was very well aware that there was something missing in my life, that this "christian" label was an utter misrepresentation of my identity and ultimately of my heart. My heart had been so darkened at that point and I finally realized how much I needed someone to redeem me. I had been church hoping at that point and during one service at Rivers Edge Church, I finally felt and understood the crucifixion of Jesus and his resurrection. I was tearing with joy and my depression broke off since that day. That was the day I truly accepted Jesus as my Savior but also as my Master. It has been a long journey since to surrender to His will in my life and to have him show me what displeased him. Yet to this day, He has relentlessly shown me that abandoning my desire for control and to trust Him for that gave me life. I have found in Him a hope to continue living, and that hope is this: to have a deep, life-changing, and personal relationship with Jesus. Michah, I have been praying for your healing and will earnestly continue. Please continue seeking Him like you have, because Jesus IS the Truth, the Way and the LIFE. I am so inspired by your strength; continue fighting; continue trusting Jesus !
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jonathan, your brother in Christ
You should definitely read this message from God to you.
Born Again to a Living Hope
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
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