GOD, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

I can't sleep... and I don't even know how to get my thoughts all together. It's almost been a week since I've been released from the hospital. I've been living every moment with my loved ones and taking it all day by day. I've been receiving so many supports from so many people especially now more than ever. I've been given so much hope and I can't stop fighting now.

Although, last night with all the social media bombarding me, I couldn't help but breakdown... so many supports and prayers but I just felt like I'm one step behind again... I couldn't help but think, God, what does this all mean? What are you trying to show me? Are you giving me a chance to live? Am I in denial of what's happening to me? I'm walking with him with so many hopes but I'm scared this can end so quick. I see my loved ones with so much happiness but I'm scared, I'm so scared for them. I'm holding on to you God but I need answers... 

HOME

I was finally discharged today from the hospital. It feels good to be home in my own bed without anyone constantly checking up on me! I will have a palliative team that will be coming home on a daily basis in order to keep an eye on my symptoms. To make sure that I'm in good hands when I finally can't function anymore. We're hoping that I won't be back to the hospital anytime soon. I can enjoy my last few weeks with my loved ones. I'm definitely looking forward to the blessings that's going to happen! best believe, i'm going to leave with a BANG! haha

On the other note, God's been responding to every prayer and miracle. I still believe he's still in control. I'm still fighting and I know he will not give up on me until my last breath. Today, my family and I had such an overwhelming experience, I had a bowel movement! I finally poop! haha This is amazing, that just gives me another week to live! yes, my cancer has spread everywhere to my abdominal but you know what, my twisted intestine is miraculously untwisting itself! I can eat and drink which is the most critical important thing in my life right now and that's all what we wanted but if God is not yet done and wants to heal me more than that, I'll take it!

ACCEPTANCE

Unfortunately, the Dr that was supposed to give us a second opinion for a possible surgery never showed up. I've expected this but of course, there's that glimpse of hope that my family were holding onto. 

On my end, it took a lot of courage to finally just give up, no i cannot say give up because God knows how hard I fought. I mean, it took a lot of me to finally accept that this is not God's will for me to stay longer and that's totally completely fine with me. I've made my peace with it. 

I look back at my 25 years of living and I've been pretty fucking blessed of how much I've received. It's soooo much more than I could ever ask for. God knows my family and I didn't grow up with a lot but over the years, God gave us so many blessings after blessings. It's so overwhelming!

I got to travel as much as I can although, yes I wish I could've seen more places but you know what, I got to travel in Greece (#1 destination on my bucket list) with an amazing friend! I got to drive my dream car and got to live in a beautiful loving home with my crazy family. I got my family who supported me through everything, who put up a lot of my shit haha. I got to meet my bestfriends who I call my sisters (Akhtari's) and treated me like I'm family as well. I'm so blessed with an amazing friends from so many different places and got to meet many more these past couple of years here in Calgary. Most of all, I got to meet the love of my life! He stayed me with through thick and thin. 

WHEN GOD CHALLENGES MY FAITH

As much as I want to stay positive, there are days that fucking sucks. Lately, I've been following a few bloggers that are going through the same battle and today, I heard a famous blogger who's been sharing her story recently passed away at 34. This type of news just really hits me hard. It reminds me how my life can end very soon. "you only have a few months to 3 years maximum to live" what my Dr said just keeps replaying in my head. "you only have a few months to 3 years maximum to live" I think about my life and I'm not ready to go. "you only have a few months to 3 years maximum to live". 

MY FAITH

I'm not even sure how to write this, just by thinking about what I went through this past month, I don't want anyone to ever experience this pain. I was exhausted, not from the surgery but emotionally.

The first month was the toughest. I didn't know how to handle this type of news that will forever change my life. I was born a Christian and I always believed in Jesus but I'll be honest these past couple of years, I was struggling with my faith. I lost track and I was neglecting God. He was always in the back of my mind but I didn't want to turn to him anymore and I think it has do a lot with my relationship with my family. We fell apart and that really broke me and instead of turning to him, I ignored him for a very long time.