PROPOSAL

He finally proposed! It's about time! haha We've talked about getting married by the end of this year after all treatments or when I'm finally cancer free but unfortunately, everything's been happening so fast that he finally decided to just do it! actually, I've been nagging him haha. What's funny is that I got my wedding dress and we got our marriage license before he proposed. lol 

On March 29th, my mom told me that we are doing a final family photo shoot which made a lot of sense. Little did I know, he was going to propose. We headed to the park, I was confuse to why some of my family were running around when I thought they went shopping and I also called him but no answer. Then, I saw up in the air "MARRY ME?", Peter walking towards me while my brother carrying me down the park.

The love of my life finally proposing while playing his song to me "Your Song" by Elton John.

I love this man and he just made me realized how much I want to spend more days, weeks, months and years with him. I still believe in miracles.

GO FUND ME

My bowels are slowly working and I've been taking medications to stimulate bowel movements and shrink the tumours. Before I left the hospital, my oncologist wants me back for chemo. Unfortunately, I don't want to go to that road again. I've tried it and it didn't work. 

My family and I are thinking to go natural like what we wanted at the beginning. Unfortunately, it's not covered by our health care system. I will be doing treatments by a private clinic "Pyatt Health Centre" with Dr Matt, who's been with me throughout my journey since I was diagnosed. He gave me tips and other treatments while I was undergoing chemo. - http://www.pyatthealth.com/ Right now, the treatments are Hypethermia Therapy with IV. I sincerely ask for your donations to help us fund this treatment. Any monetary value is highly appreciated! 

HOME

I was finally discharged today from the hospital. It feels good to be home in my own bed without anyone constantly checking up on me! I will have a palliative team that will be coming home on a daily basis in order to keep an eye on my symptoms. To make sure that I'm in good hands when I finally can't function anymore. We're hoping that I won't be back to the hospital anytime soon. I can enjoy my last few weeks with my loved ones. I'm definitely looking forward to the blessings that's going to happen! best believe, i'm going to leave with a BANG! haha

On the other note, God's been responding to every prayer and miracle. I still believe he's still in control. I'm still fighting and I know he will not give up on me until my last breath. Today, my family and I had such an overwhelming experience, I had a bowel movement! I finally poop! haha This is amazing, that just gives me another week to live! yes, my cancer has spread everywhere to my abdominal but you know what, my twisted intestine is miraculously untwisting itself! I can eat and drink which is the most critical important thing in my life right now and that's all what we wanted but if God is not yet done and wants to heal me more than that, I'll take it!

GOD IS LISTENING

I don't even know where to start. These past couple of days, I've been so overwhelmed by all the support and prayers. I can tell how much God is slowly working in my life right now. I got some good news yesterday, it might be to TMI but my bowel movements (passing gas) are slowly working and that's already a miracle happening! Drs wants me off the NG tube so that I can slowly start drinking liquid slowly but surely. I will most likely be discharge tomorrow or Monday. oh I can't wait! I just cant wait to be home. There are so many things happening for the next couple of weeks and I just can't wait how many more blessings that are about to come. It isn't over yet... the battle isn't over yet! 

ACCEPTANCE

Unfortunately, the Dr that was supposed to give us a second opinion for a possible surgery never showed up. I've expected this but of course, there's that glimpse of hope that my family were holding onto. 

On my end, it took a lot of courage to finally just give up, no i cannot say give up because God knows how hard I fought. I mean, it took a lot of me to finally accept that this is not God's will for me to stay longer and that's totally completely fine with me. I've made my peace with it. 

I look back at my 25 years of living and I've been pretty fucking blessed of how much I've received. It's soooo much more than I could ever ask for. God knows my family and I didn't grow up with a lot but over the years, God gave us so many blessings after blessings. It's so overwhelming!

I got to travel as much as I can although, yes I wish I could've seen more places but you know what, I got to travel in Greece (#1 destination on my bucket list) with an amazing friend! I got to drive my dream car and got to live in a beautiful loving home with my crazy family. I got my family who supported me through everything, who put up a lot of my shit haha. I got to meet my bestfriends who I call my sisters (Akhtari's) and treated me like I'm family as well. I'm so blessed with an amazing friends from so many different places and got to meet many more these past couple of years here in Calgary. Most of all, I got to meet the love of my life! He stayed me with through thick and thin. 

PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE

The odds are not on our table this time. I have no control. I can't ask for healing but only for a miracle. A miracle that the surgeons will try to get me back for surgery and hope that they can at least fix my blockage.

But so far, there are no surgeons that are willing to do this procedure. The malignant tumours/cancer cells had spread all over my small and large bowels. The Dr said there's simply no way they can fix me, even to remove the blockage is futile. We asked for a second opinion, and we're currently waiting for this Dr to come to hopefully remove the blockage, so at least I can eat or drink a little bit. For now, we are praying and hoping my bowels will dilate and open up to get my bowels to work again, if surgery is not gonna happen. 

Right now, I am on NG tube to prevent vomiting and I have an IV fluid for hydration. So I haven't eaten since Monday (4 days). This is how I'm currently "living" at the hospital. So basically, I am palliative. I think I've hit the end of my journey.

MOVING BACKWARD?

Just when I thought everything is going forward, I am straight back to where I started or maybe worse...

I woke up the next morning, this time my pain was controllable. Thank God for my boyfriend who stayed in the hospital all night with me trying to control my pain and continuously asking me if I needed more pain killers. He kept me in track so I won't feel any pain when I eventually wake up. 

I honestly don't know anything about what just happen or the results that came with my surgery so I asked my boyfriend to tell me straight up and just be blunt about it. He told me that they found tumour in my small intestine. My mom was the one that was informed by the surgeon, he heard it from my mom so he also doesn't know more. 

A Dr came to see me during the morning but he wasn't the surgeon who did my surgery so he also had no answers for me! He basically told me that the surgeon wasn't able to do anything because it wasn't just a twisted intestine like they thought at first. He basically cut me open and closed me right away without doing anything. There were so many unanswered questions. This time I was scared. I was really scared for my life. 

EMERGENCY SURGERY

My boyfriend and I was hesitant to go through this surgery. We felt like it was such an impulsive decision and we needed another opinion. So of course, we called my oncologist but no answer as per usual. We left a message and hoping that she can call as back as soon as possible. The surgeons on duty wanted this to get it done within 2 hours so our time was very limited.

Unfortunately, we didn't get any second opinion and we're not doctors so if they think this is critical then I need to go through this. Although, I just had the biggest feeling that this isn't right. actually it hasn't been right since last night! I really felt like this surgical team wasn't prepared or organized compared to my first one. Like I said, I just didn't feel right about this.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

My boyfriend is finally back home from work for awhile. oh how I've missed him! We finally have the chance to spend some time together and have plans to go for date nights before my 4th chemo starts again but little did I know, things are about to change...

I complained to my boyfriend that my abdominal pain starts to feel a little pinch but I shouldn't be worried because I thought that chemo is just fighting my cancer cells. I woke up with an unbearable pain around 5:00 AM so I woke him up and letting him know. I took pain killers but it didn't work. I thought to myself I remember this pain... this is the same pain that I had prior to my diagnosed back in January. 

CANDIDATE FOR A SECOND SURGERY

I had a lot of mixed feelings about this when the Dr started discussing about my possibility of a second surgery. As per usual, my oncologist was not there to discuss this. Every appointment that I was supposed to have with her, she's never around. I wish I asked for another oncologist that cared a little more.  tip: please do not hesitate to ask for a better oncologist if you don't like yours! 

Like I said, I had mixed feelings about this. First of all, I was happy to know that the surgeons wants to meet me very soon to talk about a possibility of a second surgery only after a few cycles of treatment and a result of my pet scan. This basically means that I have a chance to be cancer free! and to know that my chemotherapy is working! all this pain is worth it! 

HALF WAY THERE

I can't believe I'm ready for my 3rd round of chemotherapy. This time, I put on my sweatpants so I can be comfortable and also, put on some make up to make myself feel a little brighter even if I'm just going for my treatment. 

JUICE + TEA

I've been doing a lot of juicing. It enters the human blood stream very quickly. I'm not going to lie but I've invested a lot of time and money (credit to my parents & boyfriend haha) for juicing. All vegetables and fruits that I juice are organic as well. I try to juice antioxidants vegetables or fruits to help prevent or stop cell damage.

WHEN GOD CHALLENGES MY FAITH

As much as I want to stay positive, there are days that fucking sucks. Lately, I've been following a few bloggers that are going through the same battle and today, I heard a famous blogger who's been sharing her story recently passed away at 34. This type of news just really hits me hard. It reminds me how my life can end very soon. "you only have a few months to 3 years maximum to live" what my Dr said just keeps replaying in my head. "you only have a few months to 3 years maximum to live" I think about my life and I'm not ready to go. "you only have a few months to 3 years maximum to live". 

CANNABIS + NATURAL REMEDIES

I've talked about my side effects earlier on but I didn't really get into details on how I've been dealing with it. not that I'm an expert! but these are the things that's been working for me so far. 

There are so many drugs that my oncologist prescribed to me but I haven't been using them because the pills that was given to me have side effects from it too which is why I decided to use cannabis mainly for nausea.

Cannabis is natural and so far, it has helped me. I was recommended by my naturopathy Dr he's amazing! and from other people as well. I'm currently using CannTrust cannabis company. There are 2 types of cannabis: THC and CBD. The difference is THC is for recreational meaning this will get me in a better mood and see a better outlook on life when I'm feeling down and CBD is for medical meaning this will help me from my side effects. I use both.  

2 DOWN, 4 MORE TO GO

On February 28th was my 2nd round of chemo, this time around was a lot better and I tried my best to be prepared as well. I was on top of my game by taking all the medicines and natural remedy to prevent what I felt like the first round. Although, I still felt some side effects but it wasn't as bad as before.

The first 2 days of chemo, I didn't feel any side effects. I was able to eat this time. The 3rd day was different. I felt a little nauseas during the morning but I didn't puke. When I got to the hospital, I was still not feeling my best. When they removed the chemo, my port this time was looking a lot better. It was not swollen and it wasn't as bruised like a few days ago. I can tell it was healing. Also, I used a numbing cream before they insert the drugs so I didn't feel the pain and when they removed it, it was quick and easy. As soon as I got home, I puked. I think it's the smell of the hospital that made it worse and when you start puking, it doesn't stop there. I couldn't catch up to my side effects. not again! lol I guess you can say I was only on top of my game on the first 2 days. haha it's ok there's a 3rd one!

It took me a few days again to recover from the side effects but I'm definitely improving and learning from my mistakes. I will eventually get this right, I believe it! lol 

BANFF, AB

A week after chemo, I start to gain back my strength. I get to spend more time with my family. It's nice to finally get out and enjoy fresh air. 

PET SCAN

For a month and a half, I didn't have any treatment due to my surgery. I needed to heal before I start chemo. I asked my oncologist if I can request a pet scan before I start any treatment. Pet scan is exactly like a Cat scan but it's detailed. Although, I wasn't able to get it done before chemo. I was schedule on February 23rd just a week after chemo. I wanted to have a base so that I can compare after a few cycles if chemo is really working and I also wanted to see if it has spread elsewhere since I haven't had any treatment after a month long. I also changed my diet so I wanted to see if it prevented it from spreading. 

I got my results on February 27th. Just a few days earlier, I kept praying and hoping that it hasn't spread elsewhere. My prayers were answered. 

SIDE EFFECTS

After they remove my chemo drug, I got to go home but the side effects do not stop. 

Here are a few that I've experienced so far:

1. Tingling sensation - I can't eat or touch something cold and I can't go outside when it's -20C. The first time I felt it is when I was getting vegetables in my fridge to juice and it was the weirdest feeling at first but after a few more seconds, it started to hurt like a bitch. After I made my juice, it was slightly cold but not too cold. stupid me for trying it! my throat started to hurt as well. lol not funny but thinking about it now, why the hell would I even try! smh 

2. Hair Thinning

After a few days, my hair started to thin. It wasn't a big chunk of hair besides I have A LOT of hair so I really don't mind. I pay to get my hair thin!

FIRST CHEMO

On February 14th, the day has finally arrived; my first chemo. Actually, I didn't even know I was supposed to go today. The nurse called me and ask me why I'm not at the hospital, I told them no one ever confirmed that I was scheduled for today. Anyways, I took the pills that I was supposed to take before I go for chemo then off I go to the hospital. I was only supposed to stay for 5 hours at the hospital but unfortunately, one of the nurse who inserted the 3rd chemo drug forgot to start it and realized it later that it wasn't going through. smh so I had to stay another couple of hours at the hospital. Then they inserted the last chemo drug that I need to take home for 46 hours in a fanny pack haha I looked ridiculous!

DAY SURGERY

On February 9th, I was scheduled for my port. Here's a little summary of what it is;

 "A Portacath (Port) is an implanted device giving access to veins for patients who need regular long-term administration of antibiotics or chemotherapy drugs."

I didn't really know what to expect. The Dr came to see me right away and explained what he's going to be doing. He spoke so fast like as if he was in a hurry. I didn't get the chance to even process what he was saying. He showed me what he was going to insert on top of my chest and I just couldn't believe how big it is. This is where all my chemo drugs are going to be inserted and this is actually really happening. There's no turning back... Again, it looked exactly like i'm going for a surgery but this time, I was on sedative so I knew what was going on. Dr and nurses kept pushing my chest trying to insert the port. There was one point that I started to feel the pain so the Dr had to stop. He said that he's not use to putting this port to a young adult, my skin was new and fresh so it was very challenging to insert it. As he was saying that, I was thinking I shouldn't even be here! 

FERTILITY

Shortly after my appointment with my oncologist about my chemo treatments, I had a few questions. I wasn't sure if I wanted to take all the drugs that they're going to inject me in. There were a few side effects that can be permanent after treatment. One of them is infertility, I called her because I was confused to why she didn't mention it at the appointment. This is definitely something that I need to consider. She didn't mention it at the appointment because she doesn't think it should be a priority especially when I need to do chemo as soon as possible and it shouldn't be postponed any longer. She still gave me reference to a fertility centre.

I was scheduled at the fertility centre on February 2nd. The procedure will take about 2-3 weeks to get my eggs out. Unfortunately, that will prevent me to start chemo in less than 2 weeks. She recommend me not to especially that I'm young, I should have enough eggs and won't be infertile after chemo. She said she only recommends this to 30+ year old women. The cost too was very expensive, it would be about 10 000$ to freeze my eggs. wtf? no cancer discounts? She also mentioned the drugs that I will be getting from chemo does not have high risk of infertility. That definitely made me feel at ease.

SUPPORT SYSTEM

It hasn't been the best start of the year but I sincerely want to thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. The flowers, gifts and cards from everyone. I am overwhelmed by all the support I've been receiving. It's going to be the longest year but I'm truly blessed for not going through this alone. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Definitely, a big shoutout to my family (mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, niece) who's been so strong throughout all this. Another shoutout to my amazing boyfriend who's been with me every step of the way. Also, my 2 bestfriends (Akhtari sisters) who came to see me as soon as they heard the news who helped me through my surgery. Tita Carole and her husband Greg who comes every other week to pray for me. I'm very blessed to have an amazing support system. There are more that I can't thank every single one of you here but you all know who you are, THANK YOU!

CHEMO TALK

On January 30th, I finally had my appointment with my oncologist at Medical Care Centre. I had my dad, my mom and my boyfriend who came with me. I must say this Dr had no empathy whatsoever to my condition. It was literally just another regular day for her. Right off the bat, she said "All cancer stage IV is incurable". Definitely a good way to start a conversation "What a bitch!" as I was thinking at that time. I know doctors hear this type of news every single day but this news is new for me and I was hoping a little empathy from her.

As she went on about my diagnosis and chemo treatments, truth be told I was waiting for her to tell me about hair loss. Of all the things that I should be worrying about, I worry about this! typical me! haha then she said "only hair thinning but there are rare chances of hair loss" I'm just holding onto hair thinning, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Moving on to chemo treatment, I will be doing FOLFOX with Panitumumab. 

1. Flourouracil 

2. Leucovorin

3. Oxaliplatin 

4. Panitumumab

4 Drugs in total for 2 and a half days for 51 hours of chemo every 2 weeks for 3 months total of 6 cycles. BRUTAL! Then, if everything goes well with chemo, I will go for a second surgery where they will be doing a chemo bath. Another surgery... *sigh

ER VISITS + DR APPOINTMENTS

After surgery, I had to rest for a month of January & beginning of February before I start chemo. It was definitely a tough surgery that I had to go through, I doubt I would even be fully recover when they want me to start chemo. Doctors are so eager for me to start treatment. I guess my cancer is so rare especially at my age, they are so curious to work on me. I don't know if I should take that as compliment but I was asked at the beginning if they can use my diagnosis as research for future cancer patients. 

The month of January was definitely tough physically and mentally but I had to take it day by day. Every new pain that I think wasn't right, I was going to the ER due to being so paranoid thinking "I might have infection or has it been spread elsewhere? maybe in my lungs or liver?" I went 3x to the ER to make sure that I have no other complications. At one point, I thought the colon that they resected was "disconnected" haha paranoid much? But thank God, all unexpected ER visits was negative and I'm still in "good" health.

I had my follow up with Dr Harvey who did my surgery after a couple of weeks, he said everything looks good and no signs of infection so far. Thank God!

My appointment with an oncologist is close by... just patiently waiting. All this is waiting game... definitely not looking forward to it.